My heart goes mushy and my hair turned ash blonde


Now, what does mushy mean?

My vocabulary teacher once said, that if you want a person to understand the word literally, stop beating around the bush and go straight to its synonyms.

You know the word corny, right? Hmn, something like that but not close to soft and sentimental. Does it mean that the word mushy is associated with drama? Haa..yeah, you got me. Yesterday was kind of dramatic interlude.

Honestly, I don’t like drama. Period. But at some point, our life is sometimes driven by the things that we can’t control.  That’s when drama comes along and my sort of story begins (eh?)

Have you ever hurt someone with words that comes out from your mouth? I believed that everyone is guilty at one point or another and no, I’m not pointing fingers on everyone but to myself alone. The verdict is I’m guilty.And the effect of guilt is somewhat disturbing. Disturbing in the sense that it whack off my natural self away and slap my wits down to my bottom. What bottom?

If you are guilty of something you have done, your heartbeat quadrupled like you’re suffering from apnea or difficulty in breathing. That’s one effect that a guilty person doesn’t want to feel.  Breathing in, breathing out doesn’t seem to help. It’s a feeling that you will curse yourself over and over again. And that dialogue in your head? Like a mantra,  repeat and repeat?

“Why did I say that?”

Oh gosh..I’m so stupid.

I should have known better.

Why in the world did I say that?

What in thunder’s name  wrong with me?

Okay…no–I shouldn’t feel guilty. I have the right to say those?

What right?

Yes, I have a right.

No you don’t have a right to lash out your tongue onto someone.

Yeah right.

Okay, guilty. What should I do?

That’s when your heart begin to melt and start to think of ways to ask apology or forgiveness. But the thing is when you hurt someone, that someone will back off and stop talking to you and shut off the communication with you. And that,  “Oh no—what have I done will start to flow.

How does it makes you feel?

It seems like your heart stop, your brain drain and your day is ruin. Staring at a yellow painted wall  seem like the only activity you can do for the rest of the day. The worse is when you tried to pray, there’s nothing comes in your head, except you are guilty. Guilty. Guilty and guilty. You sing a song to calm your heart but the lyrics seem not cooperating and your train of thoughts are running in different tunes. And you know that the only way to get yourself back on track is to talk to the person and the person’s very resounding “I forgive you”.

So you open Microsoft word and start thinking of many ways to say I’m sorry. Yet, your figure of speech seems hiding in your occipital brain and doesn’t want to come out. You close your laptop and grab a notebook and a pen, jotting it down on your journal. However, the only phrase that you can write is  what have I done?

Then, you sit down. Close your eyes. Open. Grab your cellphone and start texting. Choosing the right words to say. Type the words, then delete. Type again, then delete. Type. Delete. Type and delete. And you will wonder how can a person do  such “type and delete” activity for more than 15 minutes, debating between to write and to delete.

It must have been crazy? Well, don’t ask me.

And the craziest thing you can do is you change your black hair to ash blonde.What in the lightning, crazy decision is that? Ha no way, you won’t ever like to see an Asian girl  turn ash blonde. Never—and worse of all, your cousin who love you so much and whom you know won’t hurt your feeling is kind enough to tell you, you don’t look good in ash blonde.

But what can you do? You’re already ash blonde.

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